Saturday, August 27

In My Place

It's taken me a while. A while to duck, weave, bob and slide through four weeks away from France, Paris and the Legion. A while to gather my thoughts and prepare for the next significant chapter in my life as a Legionnaire. The horizons from here on in are far more hospitable. No sooner shall one peak be climbed than the winding trail towards the summit of the next one will reveal itself. Bite-size. Short-term goals, a continued sense of progress, whether or not it's all merely an illusionary tactic inflicting absolutely zero damage on the all powerful and immovable Master Time doesn't bother me. Keeping busy, that's the name of the game. Time flies when you think of all the fun you'll be having soon, or something to that effect.

In any case, approaching the end of my gluttonous month on the sidelines, I feel recharged, reinvigorated and just about able to stomach a return to the regimental lifestyle. Keeping busy certainly seemed my principal mantra during the holidays. The first meaningful break post-Afghanistan afforded a deceptively profound opportunity to reflect on all that I did (and didn't do) during that six month tour of duty. Familiar faces from the past, newly-made acquaintances and unknown voices, fingers on keys, all afforded an unexpected epiphany concerning the significance of that half-year spent toiling in Taliban-riddled valleys over six thousand kilometers away from the cosy pubs and unreliable public transport of my dear old Dublin town. People who claim it's a small world have a thing or two to learn about context.

My first encounter involved an e-mail from a relatively new acquaintance of mine currently living in New Zealand. Establishing a connection between me and another of her friends, she asked me to perhaps offer some inside info on current conditions in Afghanistan. The idea was to strengthen this girl's knowledge of what to expect, etc before she possibly shipped out on a humanitarian-type mission to set up a physiotherapy clinic aimed at helping rehabilitate and offer support to injured civilians, most often amputees from land mines. It took me almost a month to reply. Not that I hadn't checked my e-mails, nor read the initial e-mail from my friend a million times. I simply had no idea what to say, what to write, what to offer at all by way of advice. But more alarmingly, my role as a soldier suddenly seemed frighteningly inadequate alongside someone willing to go over to a country like Afghanistan unarmed and with the sole desire to offer DIRECT aid and assistance to handicapped civilians. I eventually replied. I hope it was helpful to her. It certainly was to me. I think.

My next epiphanic encounter came from a rather unlikely source. Growing up as a child, both my parents worked full-time. 9 to 5, Monday to Friday. Distinctly middle-class, my sister and I never wanted for anything (except those things which my parents wisely determined us to not really need). Having two professional parents did however require a child-minder to take the reigns during weekdays until the halogen office lights flickered off and the car keys crashed magnificently into the metallic tray on the hall table announcing the return of mum and dad, dragging early hints of a tumbling dusk through the front door each evening. 

My child-minder's name was Rosie. 

I remember not fully understanding what she had actually done in life before deciding to mind children on a full-time basis. I knew she had been a nun or missionary, and that she had spent time in Calcutta many years ago, but not much else by way of detail. A fantastically strong-spirited and frank, sensible woman, I owe an inexpressible amount to her for how she helped raise me and mould me in to the human being I am today. Years had passed since I had last spoken with her, so this time around I decided to pick up the phone and arrange to drop up to her house. Upon seeing her again, it quickly descended into that old familiarity that only certain relationships are privileged to encounter. The tea flowed, the scone-crumbed saucers piled up and the conversation pumped out rhythmically and without showing the faintest sign on relent throughout the afternoon. I had brought along a little gift for her from Afghanistan, quipping how now she could say that she has souvenirs from Kabul as well as Calcutta.

"Oh I've been to Kabul!" she said with astounding alacrity.

"Really?" I half spluttered, feeling my highly-regarded accomplishments take a stinging hit.

And indeed, she went on to describe in truly fascinating detail a school she helped run in none other than Swat Valley more than forty years previously. Swat Valley is a valley straddling the Afghanistan-Pakistan border and arguably one of the most dangerous places on earth for a Westerner. She proceeded to recount captivatingly vivid tales of the students in their day-to-day lives, disputes with parents over the wearing of veils and adherence to the annual feast of Ramadan. Suddenly, six relatively uneventful months under the protective umbrella of NATO seemed rather pale by comparison.

Of course I say "uneventful" when we still lost men over there during my tour. However, nothing compares to the level of activity and hostility facing French troops and Legionnaires in Afghanistan at present. First was the suicide attack killing five French soldiers in the locality of Joybar in the Tagab Vally. Engaged in what had been considered a routine mission during our subdued Winter shift - providing a security perimeter for a meeting between local village elders and French NATO commanders - they found themselves on the wrong end of a devastating assault. I remember reading the reports containing names of places we had passed hundreds of times without incident. The Summer period really is all the more hotter. Then, distressingly, came the news that two legionnaires had fallen in combat. Now the specific circumstances of their demise aside, it was a winding blow to the entire legion family, but especially to the green berets with glistening golden flame insignias serving in that God-awful, daresay unsalvageable land. Indeed my best friend from basic training took a hit of shrapnel in the same attack. Currently Facebooking from a hospital bed in Kabul while awaiting redeployment to his company out in the field, he downplayed his wounds with characteristic modesty and humility, interspersed with some high-class low-brow humour of course. Shards of jagged metal embedded in his arm and neck or not, I'd still demand a clinically outstanding sense of wit at all times.

Therefore I'd like to take this opportunity to dedicate this particular blog to my good mate Gus whose failed attempts at chatting up the female medical staff can be positively tempered by the knowledge that he's undeniably one of the smartest, bravest and professional legionnaires fighting the good fight out in the big bad world today. Let there be many more following in your footsteps buddy. Those reunion beers are long overdue.

Finally, taking the above in to account, let it never be forgotten that there are men and women out there achieving the unimaginable by helping the most helpless and vulnerable people in the world today. Their efforts are more courageous than those of some of the most muscle-bound combat-clad troops you may encounter in your lifetime. They truly are the unsung heros.

Of course, not all of them were clever enough to start a blog!

Sunday, July 24

Wheel of Fortune

Now, apparently, I'm a qualified driver. Although I'd probably need to qualify that "qualified". I'm "qualified" in the sense that I've just spent two weeks in Castel under the guise of participating in a driving course before leaving at the end without any slobbering sergeant screaming at me to be back on Monday for a second attempt. As to whether or not I'm actually competent enough to manipulate an automobile unattended remains to be seen. Those particular corpses should gurgle and float to the surface when the mandatory "confirmation" drive arrives later in the year, involving me chauffeuring an NCO all over the south of France until a certain number of kilometers have been negotiated (or a certain number of pedestrians gravely maimed). Nevertheless, the licence is firmly in the pocket (as opposed to the other snug location mentioned in my previous post).

Using the word "apparently" with regards to my newly-acquired qualification wasn't at all unnecessarily withering, despite my frequent habit of sensational negativity concerning all things Legion. Rather, during the past two weeks I drove a grand total of four and a half hours. That's right, four and a half hours. I learned to drive in the same time it takes to watch "Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King" (well, if you include the odd "Making of" documentary at the end). Still, does it not strike you as slightly odd? I for one was certainly left a little perplexed (if not also rather relieved) at a most bizarre fortnight spending the majority of the time engaging in every activity but driving. Allow me to explain.

First there was the 14th July. Bastille Day. Although personally not directly involved in the local festivities unfolding on the streets of Castelnaudary, the day itself was a holiday and so no work was done in camp. That rhythm-breaking interruption however did mean that the following day - the last before the weekend - was hardly the most productive. Skip to the beginning of the second week and the announcement that more than half of the trainees would be required to don their parade uniforms on Friday for the change in command of the 4RE. Not only would this inevitably prolong our departure from such a vile and disagreeable regiment as Castel, but it also consisted of two mornings spent rehearsing for the eventual ceremony at the end of the week. Joseph's Technicolour fuckin' Dreamcoat wouldn't have demanded such attention to choreographic detail! But hey, at least the afternoons would be free to drive and study for the theory test…….right? 

Sorry guys, those weeds dotted around the building are looking rather unsightly. 

Grab a spade and have at it. 

Rain? That's not rain? Rather an ice-cold liquid affirmation of your man-hood and professionalism all rolled in to one. 

Plus it accentuates the green of the weeds, making them more distinct and visible from the slimy, boot-shine-destroying mud. 

Driving? Later, later. You'll have plenty of time to drive later (with an ill-gotten licence worth less than the paper it's printed on).

Indeed of those four and a half precious hours spent behind the wheel, only three were spent on actual roads (as opposed to the purpose-built training circuit on base). The main reason for such paltry asphalt offerings centers on my "companions". From Kazakhstan and Nepal respectively, neither one nor the other inspired much confidence while out among the general motorised population. Careering down one-way streets the wrong way, stalling not once, not twice, but THREE times at the entrance to roundabouts. Changing lanes without noticing the articulated truck to the right. The instructor laid it out for me to digest.

"Those guys suck. You drive well. I've got to stick with them from now until the end."

Sure I understood the logic, but I certainly wouldn't have refused a few more hours behind the wheel. Still, once the confirmation drive comes round, I can further flex my muscles on the open roads (really open, hopefully WIDE open, for my sake and certainly that of the accompanying NCO).

The final day saw everyone reach the very end of our collective tether. The ceremony marking the change in command took up the entire day, resulting in the course being dismissed at 6pm (as opposed to the traditional 1pm). Several legionnaires were kept back until Monday, their performances being deemed unsatisfactory for immediate graduation. With such exceptional circumstances surrounding the entire two-week course, a few repeats was to be expected though. Surprisingly, my two drive-time-depriving team-mates made the cut, as did the little Japanese fella negotiating his third attempt. Our highly successful English mafia parted ways, three guys returning to 2REP in Corsica, another two back to Nîmes and the 2REI, and then little ol' me. Due to train times, I only arrived back at my own regiment at 2.30am on the Saturday morning. And my word, how happy I was to be back in my room. It's strange how occasionally-derided things can be transformed into Utopian pleasures if placed alongside something truly wretched enough as a means of comparison. I'll be back to Castel in mid-September (and for a much longer visit). I better make the most of my time now.


Note: I do apologise if recent blogs might seem to have abandoned the previous lyrical flair once frequently evident in my writing. In a week's time I embark on four weeks of long-overdue holidays. Having had no more than a mere two weeks off since returning from Afghanistan in mid-May, the fatigue has finally started to catch up with me. Once the batteries recharge though, I hope to be back to my literary best. In the meantime, the blogs will keep appearing as frequently as possible. Do bear with me, and thanks for all your continued support and interaction.

Friday, July 15

We're Not Road-Worthy

It's been two and a half years since I set foot in Castelnaudary. Home of the Legion's dreaded 4RE (4ème Regiment Étranger - instruction regiment), my memories of this horrible, spirit-sucking black hole never once risked stumbling into the "fond" folder. My very first fledgling steps in the French Foreign Legion were unsteadily taken within these walls, being screamed and spat at, pushed, shoved, deprived of food, sleep, acceptable internet speeds. Nightmarish at the best of times. Four months of instruction, however, were followed by two and a half whopping years safe and untouched by its ice-cold slimy shadow. A cancelled corporal training course (cancelled by an ankle injury, giving rise to a lengthy lay-off and the creation of this blog!!) came tantalisingly close to removing all my fingernails in the slow drag back down to hell, but in the end a simple driving course was enough to finally repatriate me to my high-strung combat-clad rabbit-hole. It's been a long time, Castel. Not nearly long enough.

Rolling up to the gates on a Sunday evening in a taxi, I was quite surprised by the sheer horror coursing through my entire body. It really is THAT despicable. Make no mistake, there are NO redeeming qualities to this little corner of Legionland. Those stationed here permanently are more often than not the naysayers (well, the ones caught naysaying….ahem), the klutzes, the "bananes" of our tight-knit commando community. Hardly anyone actually requests a posting here. For this reason, the presiding atmosphere is one of distinct disdain, discontentment and devilry. A certain difference that struck me rather smartly smack-in-the-face was how the stress and discomfort during basic instruction stemmed mainly from the perpetually aggressive nature of our hosts. Shouting, screaming, threats of violence, toilet scrubbing, all had us running around like headless chickens scrambling for any physical item to relieve the suffering. Now that we're fully-formed Legionnaires, the torture presents itself in far more sinister, passive-aggressive ways.

The very first morning of our two-week driving course provided a prime example. Hailing from every regiment based in or around France (a dozen or so paratroopers had made the trip from Corsica in search of a variety of licences), we found ourselves assembled in our sports gear at about 7.30am Monday morning. Very calmly, inaudible to us standing in formation, a rather grotesque Corporal Chef whispered something to the corporal in charge of our detachment.

"Right lads, we have to be back here in 15 minutes in full dress uniform" he rather casually informed us.

No screaming. No spit-shower two inches from our faces. Just a cold-blooded monotone order. And we were off. A lot of the guys from other regiments had worn there dress uniform in to camp the night before. I and the other guys from my regiment came in civilian clothes with our uniform in a suit bag. Several train changes and luggage-stacking along the way had unquestionably rendered our clothes a rather sorry lump of creased and line-ridden linen. And all of a sudden we were expected to put it on and present ourselves in front of this slobbering, black-livered instructor??. Oh joy! Of course, after painstaking deliberations by almost all the lads over whether or not we should attempt a super-rapid ironing job or just throw it on as it was, we eventually opted for the latter and sheepishly trickled back in to formation down on the parade square. Naturally the Corporal Chef didn't give two shits about the condition of our gear. He just wanted to forewarn us that Castel would be experiencing not only 14th July in that coming week but also a change of Colonel the following one, and that we had better have brought all our little decorations, frills and such. If not, the course would unfold rather unfavorably for those lacking in the relevant buttons, badges, pins, etc. What a profoundly disagreeabble welcoming exercise that proved. Indeed at the beginning of a driving course here in Castel, all students are informed that they in-fact already possess the licence. The method of delivery, however, has yet to be decided.

"Soit dans la poche, soit dans le cul" roughly translates as "Either in the pocket or in the ass". Right so, no pressure then……

Now I've never driven before. Ever. Slogging it out on frozen crossroads waiting for the erratic (when existent) Bus Eireann coaches to come hurtling by full-to-capacity eventually got replaced by city-centre living and a relxing six kilometre run in and out of work every day. I just never had any real NEED (or financial allowance) for a car and the ensuing costs. I have, however, been pleasantly surprised by my progress. From the first few days of zipping around the purpose-built track in Castel, never once venturing out of second gear, to having just completed a rather successful journey to Toulouse and back, tackling roundabouts, town centres, randomly placed roadkill (it was there when arrived!!!!). All in all, rather positive signs from the Irish camp. Theory test preparation in the classroom has been made infinitely more tolerable by the chance Anglophone Mafia formed on the very first morning of the course. Also returning to Castel for the first time since we negotiated basic training side by side, my good mate Kev from Barnsley came from his regiment with Gully, a French/Australian music-lover giving us both tonnes to yap about in between deciding the difference between "stop" and "yield". Throw in the three plane-jumping Repmen - Derek the brick shit-house of an Hungarian/American, Yatzi the ex-US Navy Seal and Kuntz, an English speaking German, and we've become rather thick as thieves here in Castel. No more so than the evenings, where the bar has found itself rather short on stock whenever we stumble out in the evenings. Well, OK, maybe one time on Wednesday night (what with Thursday being Bastille Day and a national holiday where everything - Legion included - shut down), but still, it was rather legendary drinking, singing, laughing and inevitably puking (good man Kev!).

Not everyone is taking to this whole driving lark as readily as yours truly, though. A rather comically tragic (or tragically comic?) Japanese comrade finds himself back here at Castel for the third time, tackling his car licence. More than a little lost be it behind the classroom desk or the steering wheel, no-one can honestly envisage the poor guy passing his test this time either. God knows how his superiors will handle the almost inevitable FAIL coming there way at the end of next week. As long as he doesn't crash in to one of us out on the test track though, none of us really care. Maybe driving isn't for everyone. With a week to go and promising signs up until now, I'm hoping this little love-affair turns into a long and fruitful relationship. Long-overdue? Undoubtedly!! Hard-earned? With all the nonsense accompanying our theoretically "straight-forward" course, I'd venture "You bet your sweet ass"!!!

One more week to go, stay tuned to see how it all pans out.